Oh, I haven’t been on my blog as often as I should recently (am still answering emails from weeks ago too, sorry)…but mark my words, I have some fabulous stuff saved up for you! Here’s some of that fabulous stuff, and isn’t it a beauty?
‘Stink Fingers and Jerk Off Matinees’ at Mrs F.A. Tasse’s place. That’s what we need! We’ve been doing it wrong all along, and I’m here to show you what we should be doing. Whilst every generation thinks that ‘they’ invented sex, some of ‘them’ may be surprised to discover that great, great, great grandma and grandpa may have been trying to cram the Chesterfield up each others’s bums when no one was looking. Or maybe everybody was looking! And taking photos too!
In my searches and love of all things whorestorical (new word) I found an old brothel menu of services from 1912.
I must say, old fashioned porn is so much hornier than the neon plastic McPorn of modern day, in my opinion. I love searching for retro and vintage porn sites! Here’s my interpretation of some the services available for the ‘Fast, Slow and Smart Set’. That’s us. Well, you’re fast and slow, and I’m smart. Hahaha.
French fashion with finger in ass hole….69/soixante neuf with a prostate massage? Oui, monsieur, now swivel, s’il vous plait.
Diddling on the edge of the bed, one foot on the floor….Wanking furiously whilst observing the rules of snooker. Pot Fuck.
Blowing in the ass hole, new style…Some sort of farty bumlove fetish combining faked rimming? What was the old style? That’s what I’d like to see.
Finger fucking with juice…Self explanatory, but you are served with accompanying refreshments. How kind of you, I don’t mind if I do.
Dog fashion…Good old ‘doggy style’ as we know it. Or the best at Crufts. Maybe both. Hope not. Ewww.
Dry bob…Dry humping? Having a bit of a rub and a rummage whilst clothed. Or not wetting your hair before being cut into a Louise Brooks hairstyle.
Sitting on prick, shoving in stones and all…Cowgirl, but also managing to capture the testicles in there too? How? And what is the ‘and all’? What more have you got to put in? A leg?
One female suckoff, stones in mouth…Blowjob including the testicles. I like the word ‘suckoff’ more than ‘blowjob’. Can you suckoff before you fuckoff? Brilliant chat up line.
Maid to rub your tool, hardon guar’d…The maid will sort of ‘fluff you’ ready, it’s guaranteed. Then you can just leap on the waiting girl and shove it in quick before you lose the hardon and become a flat prick*.
Free back scuttling whilst woman rubs your nuts with a feather, must stay out of poop hole…Back scuttling is free! Hurrah! Free stuff! Bring it on! What is it? I think it’s a spooning shag, or doggy style lying down. Why is it free, but the rubbing your nuts with a feather costs $3.85? Those goose quills must be expensive. I bet they ‘accidently’ found the poop hole very often too, I’ll bet.
Ass hole fucking for men over 45…Oh let me find ye olde strap-on for you there my good man…what? You’re only 44? Oh that’s a shame…no ass hole fucking for you, until you’re old enough. No, sorry, them’s the rules.
Bob cocks and flat pricks*…Either small or circumcised or flaccid or…just not very nice things to say to any poor nervous man!
Stink fingers and jerk off matinees…mutual reverse masturbation with a lady of the morning. At 2.30pm. Get yourself through those doors and onto the conveyor belt of the ‘Despunking Factory’ now if you know what’s good for you!
Pinkey’s Special sir?