D-escort blog

Let me tell you, I am a happy lady, easy going etc. But here is my Room 101. I can moan. Oh. Yes. But if you found this site and you got this far, you are my type of boy.

If  something here rings true with you, too…Call me! We will put the world to rights in Our Own Wee Universe one day…

1.James Blunt is on tv. He has the most irritating naaaasal plummy whiney voice. Listen.

I’m blunt, and he’s Blunt. I need a blunt instrument. Now. He’s been on twice, on Top Gear. I hate him. He’s just been on again last week! FFS! This is 3 times now! Why? I love the TG boyish humour and I have no desire to drive, why do they keep giving him airtime! They don’t even take the mickey with him. I despair of this!

2.I cannot bear shop workers who give me change, coins on top of notes. A paper hammock full of coins to slide around in one hand whilst you try to control the entry to your purse. I HATE that. I faux drop it, so as to make them pick it up and do it properly. * New thing by me, I pick up the coins off their hand first, then the note. They look confused.

3.People who drop litter. I simply can’t bear it, I tell them ‘You have lost something’ so they do turn around to find me pointing at some scrunched up paper. I stare at them and try to widen my eyes to look deranged and unstable. You have to smile too. It’s quite unnerving, I’ve checked in the mirror. Hahaha.

4.Charity muggers on the street. Give me, a complete stranger, YOUR bank details in return? I will go to the charity shop to give donations, thanks. And stop bouncing about and pretending you know me already. I’m not your mate. Oh yes, and get a job.

5.Washing powder adverts that promise the world. New and improved this and that..so what they are telling me is, that last stuff that they were selling me is actually rubbish? We know it will not get the stain out, they never do. How do they get away with saying it? Trading standards should be told. And one of them says, ‘It’s a different bluey whiteness you’ll like.’ I dont want bluey white, I want white! It was white, then I used your powder, now it’s blue. Now I have to go to M&S for another white t-shirt, you..fwt…I hate that.

6.Socks. They don’t get lost, they breed and only have one baby at a time. They are the single sock that roams around your house, like a lodger who’s overstayed the welcome. They live in that underworld of scissors, sellotape, keys, umbrellas and pens that dont work. (those pens, I always put them back in the drawer, so it’s my fault I keep finding them when I’m looking for something else)

7.Dishwashers. I simply just won’t have one. I wash dishes properly, like a real person! Eggs and cheese start off as food, and after the dishwasher has been at them, it’s embedded in the plate. It is not food, it is now a permanent tattoo, and who would want an egg tattooed to their good plates? Dishwashers are rubbish! Wash your dishes, like a real person! I might see your house one day, and you had better fix that now.

8. That new way of speaking. Where everything ends with a question? It all goes ‘up’ at the end? You know what I mean. No question mark there? I needed that one? And again? The likes of Paris Hilton and people from Oh Hell mag would speak like this? I’d like to kill her? Whatever? You know what I mean..Whatevaaaaa! Talk to the haaand! I’ll give you haaand, right across the face, and at some bloody fast speed too.

9. People assuming that all escorts are uneducated and stupid because we choose this..Just the other day, someone mentioned Anne Frank to me, then asked,  ’Do you know who Anne Frank is?’  WHAT?  Listen darlin’ You called Me, so you choose this too? Next, you will be telling me who wrote Anne Frank’s Diary…phssht.

10. People, well, MEN, (because it’s only ever men who do it) who put wet towels ON THE BED. MY BED. It can go ANYWHERE!! ANYWHERE!! except the bed, throw it in the bath, leave it hanging over the door…BUT, do not, I repeat do not, leave it on my bed! I know there might be wet patch from non towel action, but nearly a whole wet bed? I sleep in that bed, so you will get the towel whip/flick treatment if you do it! And I’m good at that, it will hurt a lot. 

11.When you go to buy a coffee, they ask you ‘Will there be any pastry or muffin with that, madam?’  Did I ask for a pastry or muffin? Did I? I asked for a coffee, because I want a coffee.  That was the end of the sentence, and you knew it.  Mind you, I might buy one next time. To mash in their face! Coffee shop managers..stop telling your staff to try to force a sale, it is highly irritating!

12. Chavs and Pramfaces. Why do they always wear sports clothes? They never go to gym, they would be stopped at the door, because of the pram, attitude, and the sour face they wear. You can’t jog with 10 gawlllddd creoles in your ear either. Sovaaarin rings weigh a lot. Go to Iceland instead, and race around the lanes. If you are curvy, well and good, you know you are. These morons think they are not.

13. Singers who overact and oversing the songs, all clenched fists and too much emotion. This especially applies to manufactured boybands who sing like they have lived for ever and experienced such heartbreak, and they are about 16! I hate them!

14. Daft parents who call their children names like Thor and Ulysses etc! Wee children shouldn’t have such names to live up to! And of course the parent doesn’t even think of the surname not matching, so poor wee lad is called something like Plato McDonald, Thor McBride, Aristotle Smith etc. Arrgh.

These mums live in Dulwich Village (very nice) and drink soya latte, and do pilates classes whilst moaning about how hard it is being a mum with only one nanny. Mind you, I would rather have them, than chavs, whose choice of name always ends in ‘elle’, ie: Squintelle, Chantelle etc. They don’t do pilates classes, but dress in sportswear.. see above.

15. Jamie Oliver. What is wrong with his mouth? It’s all old pant elastic, (mines are all lovely, of course)  all flooobery slack edged and the tongue is too fat and big. His mouth is on upside down or something. His teeth look like a witchdoctors necklace too, just everything is wrong there.

16. Clear plastic platform stripper/lapdancer shoes, and too long square nails with daft patterns on them.  And white bits. NOT SEXY!! Sorry to ladies/gents who like them.

17. Men who mail me with assumptions of me swanning about with much shopping and much leisurely time, ie: Being a lazy bimbo, or footie gf/wifey type.  Oh yes, because I just love to waste hours on such frivolous shite…grrrrrr. Yes, an independent one woman business with no lacky’s or trusted admin, runs itself…? Do you assume this of other self employed people? Maybe you do. In that case, never ever EVER mail me. EVER.

18. People who ask ‘where are you based?’ and all other questions that are already clearly answered/stated etc. Let me rip you a new asshole, asshole… mind you, it’s big enough already.

19. Snow. I Hate It! It has no purpose here in towns and cities! If we needed it, it would be here all the time!

20. ‘People’ like Baby P and Shannon Matthews’ parents. What are they? Extras from The Hills Have Eyes? That gene pool needs to be stopped from breeding, asap. Human rights they say..yes, well they gave up the chance of having human rights when they did what they did. No mercy from me. Is it possible to educate and rehabilitate that mutant gene pool? Hmm. I never knew that such ‘people’ existed before now. They are the scourge of the planet, and I cannot feel sorry for them. They always have those pit bull type dogs too. You know who they are, don’t you? Feral scum. They bring nothing to this world except misery.

21. People writing, ‘should of’ instead of, ‘should have’ or, ‘should’ve’ ? My hair goes up as if a Van Der Graaf Generator has been at it. I don’t have perfect punctuation, see here for sure, but saying ‘could of’ or ‘should of’ or ‘they was’ or ‘you was’ etc, is so blatantly wrong! It’s not even grammatical errors, it’s just the wrong language! Your own too! I can forgive typos, dyslexia,  absent punctuation, other foibles etc, but the blatantly thick get on my nerves!

David Beckham said something on tv, ‘Them people what watch me on tv etc etc’ …and I was so ashamed for him.  

22. Banks and Post Offices with 10 desks. Why have 10 desks when only 2-3 are ever ‘ON’ ? Just build 2-3 desks then???

Have you ever seen the 10 desks on? NO. They do this just to annoy ME. In place of these spaces, have really nice cakes, and tea, for free. And magazines. And chairs. And music.

23. Send me stuff.

I will add to this list! It will be massive! This list has nothing to do with PMT, these things are universally annoying and permanent!